Which Path??

Just to fill you in on a little bit because I know there has been lots of questions and stuff so here it is.....

In May of 2010 we decided to try and start adding to our family! And much to my surprise things didn't turn out quite like I had planned (like I said "I" had planned) From May of 2010 to May of 2011 I had lost 3 sweet precious babies. I can't wait to meet them and hold them in my arms some day. But I know they are in the arms of our creator! Even with all the "girl issues" I have had in the past, I honestly never expected to go down this road.

I knew it at the time but looking back I can REALLY see God's hand in things. He placed certain women in my life that had gone through the same thing that I was going through. One after the other I kept meeting these women. I knew it wasn't a mistake, but just didn't realize what role they would end up playing.

I have gone through every emotion possible! I have been mad, sad, bitter, you name it and I have gone through it. I have yelled at God, not talked to God, but that didn't seem to help either. There were moments that I would have peace but then I let the devil step in and I would get mad when another coworker got pregnant, see a teenager having a baby, even just seeing pregnant women out in public made me want to scream! I grew so angry and bitter inside. I HATED feeling this way. And actually last week I read a book that Bobbie Sparks wrote called "Memory Memoirs" and it literally feels like 100 pounds of weight was lifted off of my shoulders! I have more peace now, than I have ever felt, and it feels GREAT! I have such a peace about everything. Something I haven't felt in so long. I look at suffering completely different now because of that book.

I know that it wasn't a coincidence, but the week before I read this book I placed a child in her mothers arms for the last time and turned off all of the machines. That day I also found out that my coworker had cancer. And all I could think of is "what am I complaining about??!!!" There are people all around me that are going through such life changing events and I'm sitting in the corner crying because my fertility treatment didn't work. Then I read the book, and it changed me, inside and out.

In the middle of all of this we got an infant in the PICU that was abused. (don't even get me started on that subject!) and me and this little boy bonded the first moment my eyes laid on him. He left just after a few short days, just to come back to us by the end of the week. There was something about this baby that I was so attached to! Make a long story short, I talked to James and we agreed to try and foster this baby. We knew it was a long shot because we weren't licensed to foster. I called and talked to everybody and it just didn't work out. BUT maybe he was just the seed that needed planted. So, we are now in the process of getting our foster care license.

So which path will God lead us down? I have not a clue! haha But I trust God has his hand in all of this!